Essay Buffet - Little Bits of Everything and Anything

Many, more talented, writers have published books of essays that come together as a cohesive whole. Barbara Kingsolver's Small Wonder is a major "wonder" for me. Initially, it seems to wander from topic to topic randomly, but soon I realized it's got a framework on which each essay "hangs," and they all come together neatly, each with its own unique place in the whole.

I don't write like that. Or, at least, I have come to realize about myself that I have difficulty "seeing" The Whole from my vantage point. I'm very detail oriented. I focus on what's in front of me, or what is taking up space in my worried or delighted or wandering mind; where it fits will come, eventually. But in the moment, I can't really see it.

I used to say that my life is made up of bits and pieces, like a jigsaw puzzle. And when I was younger, in my 20s and 30s, I was eager to fit the pieces together -- each day being a study in detail, a piece of the puzzle -- so that I could understand My Purpose, or My Calling, or My Mission in Life. As if I was assembling a jigsaw puzzle without the benefit of the photo on the box to guide me, I looked for clues of what would be revealed as The Big Picture.

Fast forward 35 years. The Big Picture is still a mystery. Each jigsaw puzzle piece is still the detail I focus upon, moment by moment, sometimes mindfully, sometimes oblivious. What has been assembled is less of a Big Picture than a montage of themed sections -- childhood and innocence, loss of innocence and young adulthood, heartbreak and loss, betrayal and bad judgements, jobs rather than a career, parenthood and marriage, family of origin issues, retirement and grandparenthood, travel and pandemic isolation. And more. I'm not looking for The Big Picture Anymore. I'm accepting that my focus is on the details. I leave it to others to decide on Meaning, Value, and Purpose.

I'm just happy to still be here.